I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
