I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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