Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
