Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
