I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
