i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
