first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
