Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
