peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize