I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
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