just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
