bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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