I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
we made out on top of his cat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
