Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
