alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
