Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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