I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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