I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
