either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
