ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
