my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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