Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
