Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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