I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
