Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
