So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
