I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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