i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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