I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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