I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
