I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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