She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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