Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
