3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
