Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
