I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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