I accidentally had phone sex last night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
