oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
