Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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