Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
