My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He passed out mid-signature
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Randomize
