oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
