he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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