One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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