I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
