somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
