3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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