I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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