True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My life is pants optional.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
