i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
