Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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