The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i think my cat just said my name.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
