my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
there is glitter all over my balls
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